Cheating is the number one reason globally that relationships (married and unmarried) end. With around half of married people cheating at least once, it’s a big relationship destroyer, and a potential destiny derailer. And, apparently, ‘tis the season for affairs now.

People are more likely to start an affair during the xmas holidays than at any other time. Probably because it’s often a work colleague that people start an affair with, but also there’s an old pagan vibe around this time of year; plus, on a more rational level, people are feeling drained and burned-out from the year; and all of this creates a desire for change, for renewal. The office party revels and alcohol are often the tipping point that turns the idea into action.

And it’s the 50-59 year-olds who are most likely to cheat or have an affair.

The prime reason women have affairs is their needs are not being met; a lack of intimacy; feeling their partner doesn’t pay attention to them, and doubts about their relationship. For men: physical attraction; feeling that the other person is ‘there for them’, and lack of sex in their relationship were the top 3.

But most affairs end within weeks or months, after which most people won’t trust the partner who strayed again, so relationships are lost and there’s collateral damage for families and possibly destiny!

Two organs are at play with relationships and cheating: heart and kidneys. Your heart holds the spark, the flame of love, and your kidneys house the drive to ‘seek the other’ (a person to unite with). When you meet someone and sparks ignite and a relationship forms, there is a purpose to it. Together you will create something greater than yourself, that’s the destiny part.

Because we humans have ‘3 Shen’, our heart can only hold one other flame. That’s just how it is. So when you have an affair, you basically put one flame out to allow the other in. It’s one of the reasons people often subconsciously sense their partner is having an affair, and it sets off behavioural changes that erode the relationship.

People will often say ‘it just happened’, but affairs aren’t random, it’s a random lifestyle that sets you up for them. And even though the reasons for cheating seem diverse, in my experience, it comes down to a system failure. As in people don’t apply a system to their relationship, especially around sex.

Get a sex schedule in place

You probably think that it’s natural for sexual attraction to fade after a couple of years, because that’s what everyone says, but it’s not natural or correct, it’s because we’re not taught relationship skills.

Here’s where the sex schedule comes to the rescue. Once you feel that attraction is fading, set an agreed upon frequency per week (according to your age and state of health) and schedule sex in. This removes the potential for one partner to feel rejected if their approaches to sex are repeatedly brushed-off, which contributes to the ‘my needs aren’t met’, or ‘they’re not there for me’ feelings. And it defuses many of the other emotional landmines that create the environment for activating the kidney drive to ‘seek the other’ outside the relationship.

The trick is to consciously and openly keep things within the circle of the relationship. For example, another strategy that I recommend for mismatched libidos, to prevent the person with the higher sex drive from feeling ashamed at having to go it alone in secrecy, which sets the scene for ‘seeking the other’, is to cater to those needs together, to be physically close during the orgasm of the person with the higher drive. It allows the cosmic chi activated by a loving orgasm experience, to be shared.

I’ve made a video to share some of the strategies I’ve developed over decades of work as a therapist on how to avoid cheating. I’m discussing why you should schedule sex, how to ‘come together’ if you’ve got mismatched libidos; and showing some breath & movement techniques that keep your desire flourishing within the circle of your relationship. heck it out here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vd_8bo5M51w

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